- Sixty-seven percent of all victims of sexual assault reported to law enforcement agencies were juveniles (under the age of 18) 34% of all victims were under age 12.
- One of every seven victims of sexual assault reported to law enforcement were under age 6.
- Convicted rape and sexual assault offenders serving time in State prisons report that two-thirds of their victims were under the age of 18, and 58% of those–or nearly 4 in 10 imprisoned violent sex offenders–said their victims were aged 12 or younger.
- 80% of inmates serving time in State Prison for intimate violence had injured or killed their victim.” (Criminal Offenders Statistics)
- “The median age of the victims of imprisoned sexual offenders was less than 13 years old.” (Bureau of Justice Standards.)
- “96% of female rape victims in 1991, younger than 12 years old, knew their attackers. 20% were victimized by their fathers or step-fathers.” (US Department of Justice)
- 3 in 4 child victims of violence were female.
- 4 in 10 child victims of violence suffered either a forcible rape or another injury
Do you have a pit in your stomach like I do? I could keep going with these scary statistics…I haven’t even mentioned child pornography which is rampant.
The truth is, we all have known someone who has been sexually molested or raped. And the possibility that even one of us has been molested or raped is 50%. That’s sick. It just makes my skin crawl. It makes me want to live off the grid somewhere and shelter my children from any harm. Why aren’t there more people talking about this? I am always the odd-ball when I say that my 4 year old already understands this stuff. No, I’m not teaching her about sex and things people can do to her. I’m teaching her how to be a little lady. I’m teaching her about secrets. I’m teaching her about how to understand danger.
It is never too early to teach your kids about “good touch, bad touch.” I think we, as parents, need to stop shying away from things that make US uncomfortable. This isn’t about us. This is about protecting our children. This is about saving them from years of hurt, confusion, and anger. This is about saving them from going down a dangerous path of drug addition, of being so hungry for love that they will sleep with anyone to find it. This is about rescuing our children.
Our children need us. They need us to be that superhero for them. All little girls want a hero, and if they aren’t getting it from us (from dads), then they are going to look for it elsewhere. As girls, we fantasize about this…why do you think all fairy tales involved a princess and a savior? Who is her savior?
Let’s not wait for something to happen to save them. Let’s start now.
How can we protect them NOW?
I stumbled upon Pattie Fitzgerald website while watching the news a while back who teaches “Tricky People” not “Stranger Danger,” because a tricky person could be someone that your child knows. Here are some things that I have learned from her Prevention tips and a few other things that I suggest:
- First we need to realize that from the statistics, most of the abusers, or “Tricky People” come from close relationships with the family. With child molestation, not only are the children being duped into keeping quiet and believing whatever lies the abuser is saying, but the parents are being duped to. As parents and protectors of our young, we need to stand up when we are uncomfortable and say no.
- Second, we need to be willing to be uncomfortable…willing to possibly offend another adult. My daughter has a good friend. Her friend’s dad wanted to take the two girls out for ice cream one day. I remember when the question was asked to me. At first, I felt it. I felt the uneasieness and I didn’t want to say no because I was going to be uncomforable saying no to someone. Yes, maybe, he was just trying to do something nice. But, guess what?! I don’t know him from sin. So, I worked through those feelings of uneasiness and I, politely, declined. It’s better to feel uncomfortable than to live with a burden of guilt.
- Third, we need to teach our kids that IT’S OK TO SAY NO TO ADULTS. I think we, too often, in trying to teach our children to respect their elders, we teach them that an adult is always right. WRONG! Don’t teach them this. Teach them that if something doesn’t feel right, then to come to you. We need to create a level of respect and trust among our kids. And if you are teaching them that they should do whatever an “adult” says, then there is so much risk in that. Teach them that adults are human too and if an adult wants something from them, then they need to come to you and ask.
- Fourth, we need to stop forcing our kids to hug and kiss someone. Don’t make your child do something that they don’t want to do. How are we teaching them to be cautious of pedophiles if we are just going to force them to be affectionate with someone that they don’t want to? Isn’t that the same thing that pedophiles do?
- We need to talk to them. My daughter is only 4, but I am, already, trying to create confidence in our relationship. I don’t want subjects of sex and touch and affection to be awkward. I want to be able to talk, openly, with her about sex, about healthy touch, about relationships with the opposite sex. How many of us learned what sex was from friends, internet, or TV? Thankfully, I had a mother who I, oh so vividly, remember teaching me about sex. In fact, the image of her drawing it out is forever branded in my mind. But, I learned from someone I TRUSTED what it was. I learned what healthy sex was. I learned that it was something that I could talk about with my parents.
- Listen to your child. If they don’t want to be around a particular person, a babysitter, a family member…this may be a red flag. Don’t force them to do things they don’t want to do.
- Look up local predators on your state’s database. All states post predators and where they live. You can select a 1 mile radius and see how many live around you in that area.
Let’s do this better. Let’s do it better together. Let’s be more alert. Let’s be willing to be uncomfortable. We can’t save everyone, but we can do our best to be the hero that our kids need. Let’s do it now!
There are some great children books that we can read to our kids that teach them different aspects of understanding danger:
- This is My Body (click here to see where to order)
- I Said No (click here to see where to order)
- Super Duper Safety School (click here to see where to order)
What measures do you take to make sure your kids are safe from predators?
Thank you for this article, this was a great reminder that we need to talk to your children about this.
i am all for this! some might say that my husband and i are extreme but this is how our parents raised us and we have not been abused in any way so i rather be safe than sorry. i have three little boys but i would like to encourage mothers to put on a pair of shorts or leggings on their little girls (especially the potty trained ones) when playing at a playground. ESPECIALLY indoor mall playgrounds, where a grown adult man loitering wouldn’t look too out of place. too many times to i see off men lurking/loitering around mall play areas and i just cringe when i see a cute innocent girl playing and her undies are showing most of the times. take heed moms! it’s cute to us, but predators live for that!
Thanks for the great book recommendations! We do pretty much everything on your list already, but it never hearts to give gentle reminders. We already read a huge variety of books from the library, so I’ve requested those books to add to our “curriculum” so the kids will learn it from someone else’s “voice” without picking up on my own fears for them.
you’re welcome!
I have 3 children and open dialog has been a must since they could talk. Starting when they were young on these topics has made it much more comfortable in our home now to keep talking. I have friends comment how great the communication is within my family and they always want to know how I get my kids to talk to me so openly. My response is simple, honest and open communication from the very beginning. You don’t have to scare a child to be honest with them and help them be aware. My only addition to this great article is some advice I received from a friend who happens to be a psychiatrist that deals specifically with sexually abused children. She recommended when teaching “good touch, bad touch” to use “healthy touch and unhealthy touch” instead.
Our favorite resource for teaching the children, and discussing scenarios is a dvd called, ” The Safe Side – Stranger Safety”.
https://www.amazon.com/The-Safe-Side-Stranger-Safety/dp/B0009LS9Y4
It is excellent, funny, and useful. The lessons came in handy twice, and I believe, saved my children from harm.
Thank you SO MUCH for this post! My daughter is 3 and I was just wondering a few weeks ago how to start teaching her this and when we could start talking about it. I realise that she is in school 2 days/week and I have never even talked to her about “good touch/bad touch”
I loved this, thank you. As a victim of childhood family sexual abuse….it is so important. One more book to add to the recommendations: “Protecting the Gift” (https://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009). Thank you again for posting this.
I think these are all great things however it is no longer recommended to teach “good touch, bad touch” because of the nature of child molestation there is a grooming process and sometimes “bad touch” actually feels good. The offender does not want to hurt the child or the will no longer be willing. It’s important to teach your children about their genitalia in whatever terms you usually use and say that they are private parts and no one should touch them there, be very specific with your exceptions like “except for momma cleaning you at bath time” don’t just say “except at bath time” because that could be the predators way in. Also it’s important to not refer to people who are child predators as “predators” or “monsters” or any other term that makes you think of something non human because these “monsters” could be the neighbor eating at your dinner table and he doesn’t look like a monster.
very good points Brittney! Thank you for sharing!
SUCH A GREAT POST! I have backed away from all that stranger stuff because, as you mentioned, kids are generally abused by people they know and the probability of stranger abduction is very low and people who abuse kids are generally not the stereotypically creepy type. I like the “don’t make kids hug/kiss adults thing.” My husbands family is all about the hugging all 47 relatives before you leave. I am so not into that!
Such a powerful post, Jackie! Thank you so much for writing it. I agree with all your tips about how to protect our children. #4 in particular is something I notice people doing A LOT, probably without even realizing it. What my husband and I are doing now and training our parents to do too with our toddler is, we ask “can I give you a hug or a kiss?” and if she wants one, she will come over and snuggle in. And if she doesn’t, she just goes on playing and we are totally fine with that! Kids should never be forced to be affectionate.
That’s what we do too Arsy. I’m glad I learned this early from a friend who was abused. She said her family used to make her kiss everyone on the lips and how she would never make her kids do that. I think we should start respecting our children more and what their desires are! That’s great you are already doing it!
I think the most healthy things that WE CAN DO as parents is to teach our children that SECRETS are not to be kept from MUM & DAD. I cannot think of ANYTHING positive that comes from teaching kids that secrets are okay to keep from parents and are an acceptable part of growing up. SECRETS are damaging; they are dangerous. It is as important to teach them about secrets as it is to teach them about body-awareness (listening to their gut) and good/bad touch. Secrets are the reason we have so much harm from eating disorders, drugs, alcohol, sex and bullying. If you wouldn’t let your mum in on it, it is not good for you…Simple and every child can understand. It does not mean that everything is told to everyone, but at least within the family…there ought to be that rule. It would protect them from most of the horrors that we know exist and it allows them to still have a faith that they are safe from fear.
YEs, I totally agree Beatrice! That is what we are trying to teach our kids. I want to always have that openness with them…which means we as parents need to come off as less judgemental with them and more understanding.
Thank you so much for this! I’ve been trying to figure out a way to say all of this exactly! I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse but it was by an older cousin that was still a minor. So it’s not always adults either. He was 6 years older than me. Plus, we recently found out that he actually raped another cousin but my family never asked the boys if anything happened to them, just the girls. This is something my family has been dealing with for 20 years & has far reach effects. I never told anyone until I was asked because all the stuff they told you at school was about ‘Stranger Danger’ and my cousin wasn’t a stranger.
I tell people now that I will not force my daughter to hug/kiss anyone & that it is perfectly fine for her to say “no” to anyone including adults. Another thing I’d recommend is to use real names for body parts. When I had to give my video statement to police I was so embarrassed to use the real words & it was another horrible thing to have to go through. Don’t let the words vagina, penis, etc be embarrassing in your house.
Good for you for speaking up! I was also a victim of abuse – also from a family member who was a minor at the time – and I never told anyone until I was an adult. Even then, I couldn’t even get the words out, my husband had to tell my family for me. Now I’m super sensitive about making sure my kids aren’t forced to express affection, and that they feel they are the ones that are in control of their bodies.
#4 is so key – one of the best things I ever read in one of my few parenting books is that you should never force your affection on a child. Even if your intentions are loving, it doesn’t let them feel that they have control over their own body, which of course, can make them more vulnerable to predators. My youngest daughter is always declining kisses, which is such a bummer – but I really like that she feels confident that her desire to be left alone is being honored, and knows that when someone says “no” it’s wrong to do anything else but stop. Life lesson!
Very well written. I’d add: when in doubt, call the police. If someone at a park, library, mall, anywhere, makes you uneasy, call the police. It’s not your job to investigate, leave it to the police.
I disagree with your last item, about looking up sex offenders and predators in your area. Ever since this feature became available on the Internet it seems to have ignited unnecessary hysteria. You can become a sex offender if you are 19 and have consensual intercourse with your 16 year old girlfriend in some states. If you ever hire a prostitute and get caught, it goes on your record. Public nudity? On your record. There are plenty of people out there who are gross and you should probably stay away from, and those who got caught peeing near a school late at night because they were too drunk to find a real bathroom, and even those who just got caught up in the law (ie. the 19 year old example I just mentioned). None of these examples, however, arenecessarily likely to prey on children in their neighborhood. Conversely, there are people who prey on children who just haven’t been caught yet (your statistics did cite that most incidents go unreported, no?) and there’s also a first time for everything– just look at the Leby Kletsky murder case, a vicious act by a man with no record. 96% of incidents are by someone close the the child? That’s very high! You do not need to get yourself all worried because of how many sex offenders live in your radius, and I think that this common practice is only keeping us from letting kids play in parks, walk to school, and just be kids.
This is great. I agree with the commenter above that said not to let penis, vagina, etc be embarrassing words. My brother’s preschool teacher called my mom one day to “report” that he had used the word penis, and where on earth did he learn that? My mom said, “ME! I taught it to him. He has one, doesn’t he?”
Also, NO NAME MONOGRAMS ON CLOTHING OR BOOK BAGS!! When a kindergartner has a huge backpack with “SARAH” emblazoned on it, any stranger can come up to her and say, “Sarah! Your mom told me to come pick you up from school. She’s stuck at work.” (That’s also where the code word comes in handy. HAVE A CODE WORD!)
Oh yes, that’s good! I learned that a few years ago and never have put their names on anything!
Thank you for posting about this, Jackie! Too many people don’t want to talk about it, and that’s more than half the problem. I’ve known people involved in anti-abuse activism, and it’s nightmare inducing.
I’d like to add a couple of book recommendations to your list:
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) by Gavin de Becker
The Gift of Fear, also by Gavin de Becker
I don’t necessarily agree on some of his political views (I think he’s for stricter gun control), but he’s absolutely 100% correct on all his info about protecting ourselves and our children, especially his points on trusting our gut feelings and trusting our children’s feelings. Too often, we dismiss our own instincts, or our children’s feelings, and don’t realize our mistake until it’s too late. All of his tips on keeping yourself and your children safe are great, too.
I also have to disagree with the comment about not looking into the local SOR (sex offender registry). The cases they talk about are often referred to as “Romeo Cases”, and are actually very rare, as are the “public urination” cases. Cops typically are not going to arrest the drunk college student coming out of a club on Saturday night, stopping in the alleyway around the corner to empty their tank. And those Romeo cases… very often, if you are actually able to acquire the testimony from the trials, did involve force. The laws in most states actually do allow for letting the actual Romeo cases off the hook, for anyone willing to take the time to research those laws. And in the cases of supposed public urination, anyone that bothers to read the laws will see that most (if not all) states have the wording such that a person has to be in a position where they believe someone will happen by and will see their genitalia, and in many states it has to occur multiple times.
If you do look up the registry for offenders near you, it will tell you what the offenders age is, what year their offense occurred (so you can do the math and work out their age at the time) and the age of their victims. I do periodically check the registry near me, and have yet to find a single one that could have remotely been a Romeo case. Many of the victims’ ages were 12 years old or younger (they’re often generalized as “under 12” or “under 5”.
Totally agree with Melanie about name monograms, too, as well as those little sticker families everyone has on their cars with every family member’s name, including the dog’s, cat’s and the parrot’s, right above the decal for their child’s soccer team, Irish Step dance school, and the bumper sticker that says “My child is an honor student at TMI Elementary”, etc.