DISCLAIMER: This story is about miscarriage and what my body went through. Read at your own discretion.
Some of you knew that I was carrying our 3rd child. But what some of you probably do not know is that I miscarried our 3rd child in late June. I haven’t talked about it much. It just happened and I tried to move on.
Now I’m ready to talk about it and I want to share my story for a few reasons.
One, it’s part of my healing process…I am ready to open up about it and I know this will be very therapeutic to me.
Two, I want to share what a natural miscarriage is like in the comfort of your own home.
Three, this life I carried is worth talking about…even if I only carried him/her for 13 weeks.
Four, more women need to talk about miscarriage. It’s very taboo, yet it happens to to many.
I was at 13 weeks and things felt like they were going great. I had my energy back. I wasn’t sleeping all the time. I was able to catch up on work that I had put behind me. And I was finally back to my normal pre-pregnancy self! I celebrated getting over the hump of the first trimester with my husband and the relief that every woman seems to feel when they move past that 12 week hump.
Then one afternoon I had some spotting. It wasn’t a lot and it wasn’t enough to worry me. I knew spotting during pregnancy was normal. I had carried 2 other babies full term. But it kept happening. Not a lot of blood, just a little.
I finally told my husband as we were doing the evening chores. He showed concern…which then made feel feel more concerned. He told me I should call my midwife and just talk it over with her. It was a Friday night.
My midwife told me that spotting was completely normal but if I had any concern that I could have it looked at. It was Friday night so the only thing I could do was go to the ER or wait to come in to her office on Monday morning.
My husband and I decided that we didn’t want to wait till Monday so we went into the ER…with both our kids in tow because we couldn’t find anyone to watch them.
They took me back and told my husband that he wouldn’t be able to be with me because he had our 2 kids with him. I was super pissed about this but was strong and said it would be alright. Up until this point I didn’t have any cramping, but then I started to feel a dull pain in my lower back. That was when it finally hit me that a miscarriage was probably inevitable. With both my children, I had back labor, so I recognized this pain.
I was rolled into the ultrasound technician’s room and she placed the cold doppler on my small pregnant bump. For about 5 minutes she pushed buttons, took measurements, but DIDN’T SAY A THING TO ME. I was irritated and asked her if everything was alright. She said she had to go grab a doctor. My heart sank.
A doctor came back in with her, they both looked at the screen, and then they both walked out. I layed there on the hospital bed wanting it all to be over.I wanted them to tell me the baby was gone and be done with it. Why was this whole process taking so long?
The ultrasound technician came back in and STILL did not look or talk to me. I said, “Excuse me, ma’am, could you please tell me what’s going on?” She FINALLY looked at me and said, “I’m not supposed to say anything.” Then I simply said, “Is the baby gone?” And she nodded her head yes.
I laid on that hospital bed in a daze. It seemed like 10 minutes before anyone came and got me and rolled me back to my room. I actually felt very emotionless. I felt numb. I felt betrayed, once again, by my body.
The ER doctor came in to give me my results…which he didn’t know I already had. I think she was expecting me to break down and cry and hold my hand and was surprised when I said, “Can I please go home now?” She wanted to talk about a DNC and I said no. I wanted my body to release the baby naturally.
I went home that Friday night with my husband and my 2 kids and another broken heart. I had a miscarriage before but it was early on. I was nearly in my second trimester this time. So, I tried to move on with my weekend and just let my body do it’s job.
Saturday came. Nothing. Sunday came…nothing. Monday came…nothing. The waiting was torture.
Then Tuesday night I was outside helping with the farm chores in our pasture and I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen and then felt something slip out of me. I looked up at my husband and told him that it was beginning. The cramping was intense and I could barely stand up straight and walk inside to sit on the toilet. Once I got inside and sat down on the toilet I saw our baby.
I could see our babies eyes forming. I saw the feet and the toes. I saw five tiny fingers and from my best judgement our baby was a little boy. I sat on the toilet and I finally cried. I held our baby and couldn’t stop staring at him. The contractions I was having were very painful and it felt good to cry through them while holding my baby. He was worth it.
I set him down on the counter and tried to get up so I could go get my husband. He came in and I showed him our baby. We both held each other and kissed our baby goodbye. I asked my husband to bury him under my favorite maple tree, and so he did.
My husband came back in and was with me EVERY second. I felt a gush of water flow down my legs and knew that was the water breaking. I sat down on the toilet for what seemed like an hour after this. The contractions and pain were so hard and the next 24 hours were very much like birth. I bled a lot and had huge clots that I passed. I thought I had passed the placenta with the water that broke but I was wrong. I’m not sure what I was birthing, but I was grateful my husband was holding my hand through it all.
My back was on fire and at some point it slowed down and my husband helped clean me up and put me in bed. He applied my essential oils to my body. A soothing blend on my back pain, white fir and lavender on my abdomen and clary sage over my abdomen as well. Thankfully, I slept pretty good that night but the next morning was another day of intense contractions and lots of bleeding. The contractions and the cramping went on for 2 days. The bleeding slowed down after about 24 hours. I still was passing clots and I was unsure how long this was going to last. It was Tuesday when this started and on Thursday I felt things slowing down.
Then a huge contraction came. I got up and told my husband I feel like pushing. He directed me to the toilet and I sat down and pushed. The placenta (which was the size of my hand) shot out of me and I felt so relieved. I told my husband I just delivered the placenta and he went in to make sure that was what it was. He showed it to me and I cried as I looked at it…the organ that nourished my baby for 13 weeks was now out of my body. He asked if I wanted to keep it and I told him to bury it with our baby.
From the moment the placenta came out, my body felt 100 times better. The emotional torture of the whole process was worth it. I got to hold my baby, say goodbye and bury him.
It’s been over 2 months since I said goodbye to my 4th, and final, baby. We tried for a third and I am 100% positive that I cannot go through this again. I was so grateful that I let my body naturally miscarry and that I didn’t opt for a DNC. I was so grateful that I was at home…even though it was not the home birth I was hoping for.
Sometimes in tragedy we find our life’s purpose…
And I have. My purpose and vision is for other women going through tragedy’s, such as mine, to find refuge and security from the storm. My purpose is to cry with them, love on them, encourage them…never show judgment…always love, always grace.
My heart goes out to all of you who have been down this road before. I pray that mercy washes over you and you find peace.