I’m breaking my summer blogging sabbatical because I’m feeling very emotional tonight and feel like writing. My son turns 2 tomorrow and my emotions are a whirlwind because of that. I’m not sure why…well, I have a few ideas why. First, he is my baby and 2 marks the end of “babyhood”. Second, as we draw closer to his birthday, we draw closer to the anniversary of my sister’s death.
I asked God so many times why He would take my sister from me at the time I had a newborn baby. It was nearly impossible for me to care for my kids while grieving the loss of my sister and without my husband (who was incredible through it all), I’m pretty sure I would not have endured it.
A friend of mine who also went through a intensely tough storm said it perfectly when she said that she felt like she was living a life of parallels with her newborn. I, too, have felt plagued with the same feelings. It has been 2 years of parallels…2 years of life and 2 years of death. At many times I felt so confused as to how I was supposed to embrace this precious new life that God had given me, while being broken and hurt over the life that I had loss in my sister.
I felt God whisper to me many times that out of death comes life.
He knew before my son, Frankie, was even conceived that my beautiful sister would pass away from this earth around the same time as my son’s birth. There was a purpose to these parallels and what is so beautiful is that I am only beginning to see it.
Frankie brings me so much joy that it is almost unbearable. The first year of his life I dealt with guilt over so many things…our broken breastfeeding relationship…laughing at him when I should be grieving…and, most of all, feeling as if the beginning of his beautiful life was overshadowed by my sister’s tragic death.
Frankie is my rainbow baby. He was conceived shortly after a miscarriage that my husband and I had. He was my promise to God that followed a very difficult season of our lives.
Frankie is my rainbow baby that followed a very difficult storm…a storm that raged so hard that it shook the foundation of my faith and brought me to my knees in desperation. God knew I would need Frankie. God knew what exact moment I would need him. He was there with me and there was a reason for it all.
Frankie suckled at my breast 10 minutes after I found my sister. I held him and gave life to him when death was surrounding me. And in the darkest hours, in the blackness of the night, Frankie was there next to me, wrapped in my body and warmth, reminding me that out of death came a much needed significant life.
When I look at Frankie, I think of the promise God gave Noah. He will always calm the storm.
So, today, and always, I celebrate my Frankie!
Happy Birthday sweet boy!
