A friend asked me yesterday what my most popular, or most viewed post was. I shared with her THIS POST. It was written about a little under 2 years ago during a very challenging time. I re-read it and was in tears. Every emotion came back to me and I remembered every terrible detail of that period in my life.
I’ve shared with you all that I lost my younger sister 2 years ago to suicide. My son was a newborn at the time, well, he was 2 months old, and I was breastfeeding him. He actually was so easy to breastfeed compared to my daughter. I had horrible issues with my daughter, including her completely taking a chunk of my nipple off. And, yes, stubborn me, I nursed right through it all. I was super-mama. I could nurse with a missing nipple…even though I, secretly, despised every whimper or cry my daughter made to nurse when she was hungry.
My son was a completely different story. I was so happy that we had such a good nursing relationship from the start. I guess this is how it usually is with your second child. However, the day my sister died, my supply immediately tanked. I talk about my experience more in depth in THIS POST. But, I remember sitting on the curb outside my sister’s house 15 minutes after we discovered that she had taken her own life. My son was hungry and I had to feed him. I had to give life in the midst of death….and I couldn’t. I couldn’t.
I will never judge another mom who I see give formula to their baby. I was so ashamed. I felt so guilty. I felt so inadequate as a mother. I drove myself crazy trying to get some milk out of my deflated breasts. I pumped while I was grieving. I took herbal supplements while eating care-meals that were delivered to us. I wore an Supplemental Nursing System in the middle of my sister’s funeral. I tried and I tried and I tried…and I failed. My body was telling me I needed the rest. My body was telling me to focus on myself…on my grief…on my loss. But I could not just let it go. Here I am trying to care for my 2 year old and my newborn baby …but my body was not able to keep up with the high demand that I was giving it.
Embarrassed by what I had to do…I shamefully, purchased baby formula in secret. I put that formula in my Medela bottles so people would think that it was pumped breastmilk. I even wore a nursing cover while feeding my son out of a bottle UNDER THE BLANKET. I was so ashamed.
My healing…
This is what 125 gallons of donated breastmilk looks like…
Two years later my son is a brilliant, strong, and healthy little boy. I made it. I got through the toughest season of my life. For a short while, I thought he was my curse. How could something so tragic happen when I had a newborn? I was so mad at God for giving me this “burden”. I loved my son so much, but, why? How? How could I celebrate this new life given to me while grieving the death of my sister? We think miracles are flying angels, or healings, or someone someone walking out of a wheelchair. But, I’ve come to realize they aren’t always like that.
Miracles come in the form of plastic baggies and styrofoam coolers and little notes saying that 10 ounces is all I could pump. They come in the form of a stranger handing you a cooler of pumped breast milk and giving you a hug. They come in the form of friends pumping while nursing their babies then giving you their milk. They come in the form a UPS man handing you a regular package, but inside you know that there is 2 months worth of milk for your baby that you weren’t able to produce.
Two years later I have a new appreciation for the community of mothers. They pump and they nurse and they drive 50 miles to give you something that you so desperately need. They don’t ask questions and they don’t ask for anything in return and when you give them flowers to say thank you, they say that they didn’t think twice about it.
My son is thriving today, 2 years later, because of those mothers. You are the reason I got through this. You are the reason I have hope in mankind again. You give birth to your own babies and then you nurse them and pump for mine. Who does that?
This is what 125 gallons of breastmilk looks like…
This is because of you. Thank you for donating. Thank you to all the mothers who have ever donated to ANYONE. You are amazing. You are the angels that walk this earth. Thank you.
Wow. This gave me goosebumps. I breastfed all my kids and had to stop suddenly with the 3rd due to a medical situation I had. I felt all those same feelings you had. 🙁 I never even realized that people donate breast milk. Bravo to all those women! What a sad & beautiful story all at the same time. I am sorry to hear about your sister tho, so heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you! Yes…so many women donate…and I’m hoping more do after hearing my story!
bless your heart…and bless all the Mommas who donated to you and your son!!! we needed donor Mommas for my grandbaby, too…I’ll never forget what a blessing they were to us!!!
Thank you Jan!
Thank you for your post. I am struggling with not producing enough milk right now…and I have been feeling like a failure. I truly appreciate hearing your story.
Stacy- you are a PERFECT mom for CARING! That is our job as moms. To CARE for our children. If caring means you have to think outside the box to nourish your child, do it. Keep trying if you can, but you are NOT a failure for coming up with a supplemental plan. Maybe you have to do half and half or who knows? Guilt will not make the milk come. I promise. You are awesome.
Oh my goodness! I just want to kiss that precious boy’s face!! So Cute! Thanks for sharing your story. It gave me such a lump in my throat. Donated milk is such an awesome thing. It kind of reminds me of the video of Salma Hayek breast feeding that hungry baby in Africa. I still can’t watch it without shedding a tear. Here’s a link if no one has seen it……
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/10/salma-hayek-breastfeeds-a_n_165676.html
The world is such a beautiful place when we all come together to help one another!
Absolutely Susan! I loved that video!
Wow this is a beautiful post!! Especially because I recently read a really negative study about breast milk sharing and so many people were being negative about it…but it’s necessary and needed and you are such a good mom!
Your children are absolutely beautiful. I am sad that women who really canNOT breastfeed feel shame. And guilt. The intention of breastfeeding is to do our best for our children. I am thrilled mothers came to your aid in this remarkable way! At the same time, I would not want ANY mother to feel horrid if her body will not sustain this gift. I LOVED breastfeeding my children, and even grieved when I stopped. But I am also thankful there are supplements (yes, formula) out there in case something isn’t working right. Let’s not judge each other for these things… it’s a good reminder that we might never know the reason behind another mom’s choices. Let’s support each other and our families, so mom’s don’t feel guilty when their bodies have struggles! PS- I love your blog. You are super encouraging!
Donating my milk has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I did both peer to peer and formal milk bank donation, and I think they’re both wonderful.
Oh Jackie, he is so precious and how wonderful that so many people helped you when you needed the support so much. Your sister looked beautiful and serene in those photos in the linked story – what a shame she felt she couldn’t hold out until it got easier to bear.
Oh, I read your story with tears running down my face! My daughter is a product of milk sharing too! I am forever grateful for the precious moms who take their time and milky goodness and donate to my sweet daughter! Just like you, I felt a sense of relief when I gave her her first taste of donor milk. She is only 7 weeks old right now, but every day she has breastmilk is a great day! Hoping to make it to at least 6 months on breastmilk…anything past that would be such a blessing!
That’s so great! Thank you Tabitha!
This is SO touching! Thank you for sharing this… I’ve had a few friends who struggled with their milk supply – and I always felt like a total weirdo for offering my frozen milk to them. Only one out of 3 took me up on it, the other two looked at me like I had two heads. I just know that I would want someone to do the same for me!
Bear with me here, I’m trying to type even though tears are flowing down my face and I can barely see the screen. I feel the exact same way. I hated my body for failing me. I hated god for giving me a child right smack dab during my cancer battle. I was frustrated at my son. If he would just take formula, I wouldn’t need to rely on these kind, selfless stranger to feed my child. We’re actually on the hunt, so to speak, for more donor milk right now. We’re out. I’m having to expose myself into another vulnerable state and ask for more milk. More milk for my 12 months old son. If my stupid breasts just worked, he wouldn’t have had to cry himself to sleep, in my arms, last night. He could have just nursed himself to sleep in my arms, but instead he cried. He threw his bottle of cow’s milk at me and cried some more. He just wants the one thing I can’t give him. The one thing I crave to give him. He just wants some breast milk.
This have me goosebumps! Amazing what can happen when woman ban together. I’m nursing my second baby, 18 months in and I have my days I want to quit! You inspired me to keep going! And I’m sorry about the loss of your sister, I didn’t know this as I just started to follow you recently. God bless you and your family!
Beautiful! Thank you for posting because sometimes people CAN be judgemental and forget that there are reasons that some moms can’t breastfeed and this is a great example. Thank you for writing about this wonderful option!
I use about 10 oz of donor milk a day for my twins. I just never could get my supply up. So thankful for every drop.
burst into tears at the word ‘Styrofoam’ don’t know why-i’m a donner don’t know how much I’ve given away. Only been doing it for six months, 600ml a day.
Thank you for donating!!! Thank you!
Jackie – thank you so much for sharing your story(ies). I follow you on Facebook and remember the picture of your sons adorable face and it stuck in my head and I knew I needed to run to your blog and read your post about donated breastmilk. I can’t image what you went through with your sister and you baby boy but you are so strong!! I’m speechless on what to say.
I went through a lot of milk supply issues after the birth of my son in August – we tried a lot of different formulas. I follow a Paleo diet and was so against formula from the start. I remember going to the doctor 3 days after Hunter was born and them telling me he lost 10% of his weight and we needed to supplement – I was in tears. I felt inadequate and that I wasn’t good enough to give my baby what he needed. We spent weeks trying to find a formula that worked for him all while going to lactation class to work on this latch, taking herbs to get my supply going and now I’m on domperidone. We tried SNS, nipple shields, wide mouth bottles, and pumping up to 9 times a day.
Being an Active Duty Military mom I didn’t have much time off work so I was panicking that I was going to lose my supply when I got back to work, I was right. I continued to pump but was only getting 4 oz while at work. I was dying inside because I was trying to give everything I could to my baby.
One day when I was at my local CrossFit gym, I was talking to one of the new moms there. We started talking about Paleo, she does it too and our conversation led to breastfeeding and milk supply. I told her my story and my struggles and she immediately offered to start pumping milk for Hunter and continue to feed her baby. It was amazing. I had been at lactation class the past 8 weeks struggling seeing the same moms every week hoping that someone would step up and offer me some milk. Melanie did and I was ecstatic. She was the answer to my prayers. She now pumps 20 oz a week for me and we only have to supplement one bottle of formula a day now. I did get a little increase in my supply by taking the domperidone but not enough to stop supplementing.
I still feel like people judge us because I give him a bottle and I get a lot of negative pressure from my family that I pump too much and he’s fine on formula. But I’m not stopping. I’m not giving up on him.
Thank you again for sharing your story!! I love all your FB posts too!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I am considering becoming a milk donor myself. Is there a particular milk bank or peer group that you would recommend I look into?
Yes look into the FB page Human Milk for Human Babies and Eats on Feets! Thank you!
I think it’s wonderful that all those mana’s donated in a time of need. I am not judging or trying to be rude, simply curious, but did you ever worry about transmitable diseases when offering the milk to your son? Again totally curious! My mother said she had donated her milk back in the day to babies when she couldn’t feed my brother 🙂
I always talked with the mother about their milk.
I was a milk bank donor back in 1988-89 when I had my first child. I never met any of the recipients, and the Milk Bank could only dispense to those who had a prescription. I will always remember the AIDS scare back in 1990, because the Milk Bank could not take milk from any donor who had not had an AIDS test. The Milk Bank couldn’t fund the AIDS tests, insurance companies didn’t cover them, and they were too expensive. So I could not share my milk that I was producing with my second child – except once I nursed a friend’s baby. Sharing and donating breast milk is an incredible expression of love and valuing human life. My milk-producing days are long over, but I donate my blood. I can produce more without even thinking about it! Thanks for sharing your experience.
I know this is a few years old, but what a beautiful, beautiful story! Found you on pinterest, thanks for sharing! I love this community of milk sharing mamas!
When my oldest was in the NICU ( he was a preemie) I had to pump for him and then the nurses made a mistake and gave him formula
Instead. I cried until I was told my milk would not be wasted but would feed other babies. My son eventually nursed but I donated to the hospital NICU until he was weaned. It is an amazing thing to be able to share !
It’s lifegiving for those little ones who received donated milk. I will be forever grateful for those who gave to my Frankie and for those who continue to give selflessly to others today.