I’m breaking my summer blogging sabbatical because I’m feeling very emotional tonight and feel like writing. My son turns 2 tomorrow and my emotions are a whirlwind because of that. I’m not sure why…well, I have a few ideas why. First, he is my baby and 2 marks the end of “babyhood”. Second, as we draw closer to his birthday, we draw closer to the anniversary of my sister’s death.
I asked God so many times why He would take my sister from me at the time I had a newborn baby. It was nearly impossible for me to care for my kids while grieving the loss of my sister and without my husband (who was incredible through it all), I’m pretty sure I would not have endured it.
A friend of mine who also went through a intensely tough storm said it perfectly when she said that she felt like she was living a life of parallels with her newborn. I, too, have felt plagued with the same feelings. It has been 2 years of parallels…2 years of life and 2 years of death. At many times I felt so confused as to how I was supposed to embrace this precious new life that God had given me, while being broken and hurt over the life that I had loss in my sister.
I felt God whisper to me many times that out of death comes life.
He knew before my son, Frankie, was even conceived that my beautiful sister would pass away from this earth around the same time as my son’s birth. There was a purpose to these parallels and what is so beautiful is that I am only beginning to see it.
Frankie brings me so much joy that it is almost unbearable. The first year of his life I dealt with guilt over so many things…our broken breastfeeding relationship…laughing at him when I should be grieving…and, most of all, feeling as if the beginning of his beautiful life was overshadowed by my sister’s tragic death.
Frankie is my rainbow baby. He was conceived shortly after a miscarriage that my husband and I had. He was my promise to God that followed a very difficult season of our lives.
Frankie is my rainbow baby that followed a very difficult storm…a storm that raged so hard that it shook the foundation of my faith and brought me to my knees in desperation. God knew I would need Frankie. God knew what exact moment I would need him. He was there with me and there was a reason for it all.
Frankie suckled at my breast 10 minutes after I found my sister. I held him and gave life to him when death was surrounding me. And in the darkest hours, in the blackness of the night, Frankie was there next to me, wrapped in my body and warmth, reminding me that out of death came a much needed significant life.
When I look at Frankie, I think of the promise God gave Noah. He will always calm the storm.
So, today, and always, I celebrate my Frankie!
Happy Birthday sweet boy!
Thanks for sharing this. I’m beginning to see that maybe my newborn is a Rainbow Baby too. That helps a lot.
awww, that’s wonderful Alice! Rainbow baby’s are such a gift and promise to us!
In tears now Jackie because I can so relate to the feelings of inadequacy as a mother after the loss of our siblings. The hardest moment I have had since their deaths was the night of Dinah’s viewing. It was a couple hours before and I was holding a 9 year.old having a breakdown because he needed a mommy and I literally didn’t know how. I had to call their step mom to ask.them to be their mommy because I didn’t know.how. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. My pregnancy with deklynn was what helped.carry us through the first year. I don’t think that it was a coincidence her birth came a week after their death. God knows what we need. Frankie is a blessing from God as are all children. He was picked especially for you. Give him a big birthday hug from the cranes <3
I think of you so often Stephanie because I know you went through the whole juggling a newborn not too long after their deaths. I’m so glad you have Deklynn and what a blessing she is!
I felt a little quilty because your words made me smile while crying at the same time. Jackie you’ve grown into a beautiful women.
Thank you Marie <3 Hugs~
So beautiful….so touching. Always hindsight that we see Gods handiwork. Frankie truly is your rainbow baby. Thank you for sharing this and happy 2nd birthday to your baby boy.
Yes he is! Thank you Kathryn…we had a wonderful day!
Celebrating with you, your Sweetheart. Thankful for your rainbow.
This is just beautiful!
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing and taking this little break from your summer sabbatical.
Many continued blessings to your family,
Kristin
Thank you so much Kristin!
Really beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Shelly! You’re welcome!
A sweet post. I just happened upon your blog looking for paleo information. I love the term rainbow baby, though to me it means a lot different things. I have a rainbow baby named Milo. He is a rainbow baby because his big brother Dexter, my third child, died shortly after birth at 29 weeks. Here is a great place that explains what most people view a rainbow baby being:
https://www.stephaniesbitbybit.com/39/post/2012/10/what-is-a-sunshine-babya-angel-baby-and-a-rainbow-baby.html#.UfcVFo3VDZc
I’m sorry for the loss of your sister & so glad your son brings you so much color.
Lots of love,
Leslie
quietdear.net
I have a 13yo Aspie son – and I have a nearly 3yo Rainbow Baby, too. She was conceived without medical intervention after nearly 10 years of “unexplained infertility”. We found out that we were pregnant the very day that I was supposed to have my gallbladder out – I was in the hospital surgical suite and ready to go when the surgeon entered the room to tell me that I would not be having surgery. Three months before, I’d begun my journey toward health and nutrition – learning things on my own that no one had ever thought to teach me. I’d been told on September 9th, 2009 that if I lost just 10% of my current body weight, my new doc could “almost guarantee” that I’d be pregnant – I weighed nearly 320 pounds. January 4th, 2010 I’d lost just over that 10%. Since then, she’s been the driving force for my quest for knowledge. I’m no longer living an “easy” mainstream life – I definitely live against the grain, for this culture anyway – but it’s the life that God has called me into. Your post was beautiful and while my situation is so very different – I understand completely. I never knew the term “Rainbow Baby” for my daughter…and while we’ve certainly struggled even while she’s been with us – God is so faithful through it all. Thank you for sharing! I am so blessed by this post! <3
Hi Jackie,
I just came across with your beautiful website while searching for milk options for my baby once she turns 1.
I read many of your articles and I feel i know you already, wow! You are a warrior and Frankie is adorable, i can sure see why he is your rainbow baby.
Could you add me to your facebook page?
Thanks,
Ali
Hi Ali! Thank you! You can find me on FB here: http://www.facebook.com/thepaleomama