Disclaimer: sorry to everyone who follow me for my recipes. I am not strictly a recipe blog. I post random things on my mind and off topic all the time. If that is, solely, why you follow me, just skip on over this post!
I heard this song, Why by Rascal Flatts, for the first time today and just couldn’t believe how it, perfectly, expressed so many of my thoughts surrounding my sister. For those who don’t know, my sister, Dinah, took her own life about 1.5 years ago. It feels like yesterday. Her boyfriend was very tragically killed in an automobile accident by a drunk motorcyclist who ran a red light. The next day, my sister became overwhelmed with grief, confusion, and darkness. I know that if she was thinking straight and could have a “do-over”, she wouldn’t have done this. It leaves so many questions behind for the family. There never feels like there is comfort at all in her death. Fate didn’t take her. Sickness didn’t take her. She took herself and in doing so, she took everything.
The death of mega-church pastor Rick Warren’s son has ripped open my Dinah-wound. His son at 27 years old made the ultimate decision to take his own life after dealing with depression for many, many years. My heart aches for the family because I know the pain and depth of their sorrow. My sister was 27 years old too…almost done with college…and was the happiest I had seen her in a long time.
I love God and I have a great relationship with him. But I do not love the church. In fact, I have so much hurt over the church that there are some places I cannot even go. My question is…when is the church gonna put down their ridiculous mask’s and start doing something? The church has lost it’s practical side and has stopped extending Jesus’ hands and started extending promises of prayers. Prayers are great…but they don’t cut it. Jesus got his hands dirty and touched prostitutes and lepers and mentally ill and depressed people. Who are we reaching out and touching? Bible studies and care groups and home groups only reach out to each other. When are our hands going to open from our little circles of “groups” and reach out to the orphans, the prostitutes, the widows, the hopeless?
When someone is struggling with thoughts of suicide, promises of prayer and intercession are almost laughable! They need more than that. We have people sitting in the pews that are literally screaming for help and you can see it in there eyes! LOOK at them. Don’t look away…look at people in the eyes and you will see the pain. Where is the church? I don’t know the answers, but I do know that something needs to be done to reach out to the lost a little bit better. We need to show more love, instead of judgment. We need to extend grace, instead of gossiping about someone’s shortcomings.
My sister was shunned by her church and her workplace because she went through a divorce. What kind of love is that? I just can’t keep quiet about this lack of grace and love the church has taken on. When will we start to see people again, instead of their failures? When will we start to get dirty again, wrap ourselves in each other’s life mess, instead of avoiding people with too much drama? Why do we think that getting messing in love is any different than what Jesus did? Weren’t His words something like this…
“He who is without sin may cast the first stone.”
I need Jesus friends. I’ve wasted my time with fake friends who run when life gets dirty. What a waste of time! Life is about getting through the crap together.
We, desperately, need help in today’s world. Where is the church?
Why by Rascal Flatts (listen to it on youtube here)
It must’ve been in a place so dark you couldn’t feel the light
Reachin’ for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little hometown
This can’t be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh, why? That’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong
And why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song
Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
Roundin’ third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage, you shined just like the sun
Oh, why? That’s what I keep askin
‘And was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, oh, God only knows what went wrong
And why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song
Now the oak trees are swayin’ in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain’t that bad a place
Oh, why? There’s no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn’t worth the fight?
They were wrong, they lied, and now you’re gone, and we cried
‘Cause it’s not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song, your absolutely beautiful song
Oh Jackie! This is why I follow you. Your recipes are great, but your messy life gives me courage to be messy too. Your picture brings tears to my eyes. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing your life with me.
It’s an honor to share it with you Hannah. Love you guys!
Yes, Jackie, yes! I agree with every word you said. I was excommunicated from a church because I chose to marry a man who had been divorced. I was therefore shunned by other churches in the area because of that. A cloud of darkness has followed my family when trying to find a new church, because we are OVER it. We are over the cliques, the small groups that are there for themselves and no one else. We’re over the disapproving looks and the choices we make for our family. I was escorted out of a church service because my daughter, 1 year old, squawked ONCE because she was hungry. We were looked down upon because we wanted our kids to join us for the service, and not play bible-based video games in Sunday school. It’s very disheartening trying to find a new church when everyone there is too busy with their friends to give you another glance, or too busy gawking at our family of five children. I spent my entire childhood in the church and am now finding it to be filled with folks who are judgmental and petty and too willing to cast those stones. I’m sad for my family, that we can’t find a place to worship the Lord together and fellowship with other believers.
I am so sorry you have been hurt by the church like this. There are some good churches out there…they are few and far between.
Sary, my heart just broke for you. Although a large family is not for me I think it is great. Those people that judge you remind them of this, “let those without sin cast the first stone”, the only one to judge is Jesus. When will the “church” get that. darn false prophets!
Jackie, I can so relate to you. When I was 19, a close friend killed herself. After her death, it was revealed that she had tried to commit suicide 3 years in a row, on the same day…her birthday. We (the congregation) had known about her prior hospitalizations, but nobody had made the connection that it had happened the same day each year because the church covered it up as accidents. The anger I felt at the church is indescribable. Not at God, just the church. I totally understand, though probably not nearly the same level as you, as she was your sister. I pray you feel a big God-hug today. Thankyou for being so real.
Thank you Cindy for your comment and virtual HUG 🙂
I’m so very sorry about your sister. While the church is great at a lot of things, it does fail at others. I’ve experienced the pain of it’s failures too. I read this today on one of my favorite blogs. It’s worth the read as it discusses this very subject….https://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/04/what-christians-need-to-know-about-mental-health/
Be blessed. Thanks for what you do on your blog.
Thank you for sharing that post with me by Ann Voskamp. It is so well written and describes my emotions and thoughts around my sister’s death. I am so happy to see someone like Ann Voskamp sharing these thoughts!
I’m so sorry for your loss and that the Church let your sister and you down.
You’re right. So many people are wounded, weary, hurting, DESPERATE for true help, hope, and love. Whether or not we attend a church, if we believe in Jesus as our Savior, then we ARE the Church and as “little Christs” (isn’t that what “Christian” means?), we have an awesome example to follow. He did get dirty ministering to all people; he certainly removed Himself from what many of us would call our comfort zones.
I hear your plea for Believers to treat each other better, and I agree that it’s high time for everyone to treat all people with love, kindness, and compassion.
I guess I could’ve just written “agree!” 🙂
I’m sorry that you are in a sad place right now. I did offer up a heartfelt prayer that you’d be comforted. Even though I’d love to be able to personally DO something for you right now, it’s hard to sometimes identify what that could be – especially living far away from your home. Hugs!
My heart breaks reading this. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your sister. I am part of a wonderful church here. Even still, I know that there can be a tendency to be inwardly focused when this is not at all what Jesus wants of us. I whole-heartedly agree with everything you’ve said today. The church is too often absent from the very places it should be the most. *hugs*
Julie
http://www.lovejuliebug.com
Your post brings the prickling of tears to my eyes, makes the flesh on my arms rise. You raise perfect questions. Religions are so often organized corporations rather than instruments of Jesus’ Love. Too often self-serving instruments of condescension, ostracism, racism, ignorance and elitism.
My brother’s son, at 37, took his life. My brother found him, even stepped in the blood that oozed from the gunshot wound. What a shock to him, as he raced to get to his son whose depression seemed to reach a zenith. And then, while the police were there – he had presence of mind to call them and his pastor – the pastor arrived. Did he bring comfort? Even offer prayers? No, he said one couldn’t know where the soul of this young man would go. That is a pastor? He should remain in the past or just leave as he neither shared nor, obviously, felt Jesus’ love. My brother will never be the same. There may have been no words the pastor could have spoken to bring comfort, but to add salt to the wound was cruel and unconscionable. He’s only one, but too often those who think they have ‘the answers’, have a corner on ‘what is right’ lose connection to what is real, to what matters. God listens to the language of the heart [paraphrasing from Meher Baba]. To me that is real.
My heart goes out to you and I silently offer prayers for you, your sister and family.
Thank you so much for writing this post. You are right on point in saying the church needs to look at broken people. It’s time the church puts an end to legalism (man-made rules and traditions) and living of this world. It’s time we start living like Jesus and extend His grace and love to everyone we encounter. It’s time to love our enemies, the broken, the lost, and the sinful – that mean everyone! My heart continues to hurt for you and your family over the loss of your beautiful sister, Dinah. You shared your story when you reached out to me on The Nourishing Homestead when I posted the letter I wrote to my son and the video of his testimony – he contemplated suicide after many years of being a victim to bullying and struggling with thoughts of homosexuality. Jesus saved him, more than once and for eternity <3 You prayed for me then and offered words of comfort. I cannot thank you enough for your love at that time. I prayed for your family at then, and will pray again. I pray Dinah knew her Savior, and that you find comfort in knowing you will see her again in heaven.
Oh wow Jen! Hiiii and yes I did share your grief and praise over your son! I am so happy to hear this from you! thank you for responding and sharing this with me. You made my day! Dinah did know her Savior and is having the time of her life with him right now. I’m a tad jealous…one day!
Wow. no other words. So sorry for your pain.
Ann Voskamp’s blog post yesterday was regarding suicide and the church, and is worth a read. She is the real deal. Highly recommend her at aholyexperience.com.
https://www.aholyexperience.com/
Incredible post by Ann! Thank you for sharing!
Billy Grahmn put it perfectly when he said, “There are no words,
but there is “The word”.
I am so, so sorry for your terrible loss . I am afraid that the Christians in church are increasingly weary and beaten down themselves. I know of no sincere people who are not battling with serious issues personally and with immediate and extended family then their circle of friends. Even those who are genuinely sincere are at a loss to extend themselves further. It is a tragedy and a very serious issue for the church, for like you said, we are each called to be the hands and feet of Christ. Our example is a discouraging one and sends the wrong message. Perhaps if there were more folks in church looking to be a blessing instead of endlessly seeking a blessing our world would be different than what we all face daily.
Perfectly said Clay!
Your sister is beautiful – as are you! I’m so sorry for your loss.
And yes, the church can be such a hard place. Our loving Father must be so broken-hearted over the church that shoots it’s wounded.
Thank you Chris! You are right…He must be. I pray something can change within it.
Jackie, it is people like you that give hope to people like me.
I suffer from depression. Thankfully there was an intervention in time for me. I spent 5 weeks in the hospital in a psych ward. I NEVER EVER want to go back. NEVER. it was hell but it was where I needed to be. 5 weeks without my husband, or my 3 year old son.
When I was first diagnosed with depression the looks I got were disgusting. I had people step back as if it was a disease they could catch. I had some judge me and say I shouldn’t be taking pills because “God will heal me”. Well the fact was that God created the people to create the meds I need. It has been almost 4 years since that incident. I find that the most judgmental people were “Christians”. I finally found a church where I was accepted for who I was, not for being perfect.
The thing is that Jesus reached out to ALL people. If we push people away are we being Christ like? If we judge those because they are hurting how in the world is that being like Jesus.
I am now thankful for what I have been through. It gives me empathy to relate to those that are in the same hurt. A dark dark hole that is extremely hard to escape from. I am thankful that I was able to escape. The pain is like no other. Did Jesus walk away from those in pain because they were different? NO! He sat with them, He healed them. When are the churches going to stop acting all high and mighty and start actually BEING like Jesus. I think if Jesus were to walk in to a typical church now he would be disgusted.
My heart aches for your sister. I know in some small way that darkness. My heart aches for you as well. Although I don’t know what it would have felt like to be in your shoes I just know that the pain I personally felt in my darkness is one that translates to our loved ones. All we can do is keep fighting. Keep stepping forward. That dark hole your sister was trapped in is engulfing. Jesus loved her, I am sure of it, and He loves you. All of you. He will help pull you through.
The church has to stop being about the buildings, the money, the groups. It has to start BEING Jesus.
I hope I made some sort of sense.