Disclosure: By writing this post, I am, by NOOOOO means, trying to make anyone else feel guilty for having or using an iPhone. This is all about me and my husband and how ditching our iPhone’s have changed our relationship with each other and our children.
About 9 months ago, I read a post called, “How to Miss a Childhood” over at Hands Free Mama and I was, literally, gasping in tears as I was reading it. I realized that much of what she was talking about…was me. It was me, plain and simple.
While pushing your child on a swing, do you pull out your phone and start checking Facebook? …yes.
Does your child bring you your phone excitedly, like she found your most prized possession? …yes.
Do you pull out your phone at a stoplight?…yes.
Do you look at your phone at the dinner table? Do you pull out your phone when you are at a restaurant waiting for your food?…yes and yes.
Does your child look up from doing something proudly to see if you were watching, only to find you looking down at your phone? …unfortunately, yes.
Do you get irritated when your kids are talking to you when you are focused on your phone? …yes.
Do you feel like you can’t leave home without your iPhone? …yes I did.
And there’s more…
Do you check your phone first thing in the morning … even before you kiss, hug, or greet the people in your family?
Do you look up from your phone when your child speaks to you or just reply with an “uh huh” so she thinks you were listening?
Do you use drive time to call other people regardless of the fact you could be talking to your kids about their day—or about their worries, their fears, or their dreams?
Do you decide the app you’re playing is more important than throwing the ball in the yard with your kids? Even better, yell at them to leave you alone while you play your game.
Do you take your children to the zoo and spend so much time on your phone that your child looks longingly at the mother who is engaged with her children and wishes she was with her instead?
After reading these questions, my eyes filled with tears and my heart weighed heavy with guilt. How many moments had I missed with my children because I was playing with my Iphone? How many memories were never made? The tears fell freely as I kept thinking about how my life had become so connected to my iPhone. The guilt for what I had done to my kids was overwhelming. I couldn’t bear it.
You see, my husband, a few months prior to this day, had already ditched his iPhone. He did it for a much different reason. To him, the iPhone was temptation. It was a means to access pornography in the deep, dark secret places of his life. His old addiction was sparked when the iPhone came into his life. It was an addiction that he had broken several times prior, but with the access of porn at his fingertips, he was overwhelmed with temptation. It hurt when I found out…when he confessed to me, with guilt and tears in his eyes. My self wanted to slug him. How could he do this to me again? But instead, I hugged him and cried with him and told him we would get through this. He smashed his iPhone to bits and pieces and we have never looked back. This was a year ago and I am so proud of the changes that my husband has made since he made the decision to get rid of his iPhone. I’m proud of the changes I have made.
I don’t miss any moments with my children.
If I leave my phone at home and forget it…so what.
I am FULLY there.
My kids have ALL of me…not just some. I am with them. I see them. I rejoice with them. I learn with them. I dance with them. I sing in the car with them.
My relationship with my husband has deepened to a new level through all of this. I am there for my children and he is there for me. We have decided that our family is more important than technology at our fingertips. Do we miss it? Sure! Especially when we are out on a day trip and lost! However, we have learned that good ole Mapquest printed with ink and paper is still good enough. We’ve learned that it is much more fun to wonder into a new restaurant instead of planning ahead. We’ve learned to hold each other hands…”family hands” as my daughter calls it…instead of holding our phones.
We are here…
in this moment…
in this time.
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While I’m not getting rid of my smart phone, this was really encouraging to be in the present. It’s so sad when some people can’t be without checking their phone for more than 2 minutes. I find myself checking it too often as well.
So true Michelle! It is hard to balance our time with it sometimes. I couldn’t, however I know some people have more discipline.
This is timely and PERFECT! Thank you for sharing your heart and being transparent with your husbands struggles. What a testimony to his character and wanting to live right and honor his marriage. Would you mind if I link this in my blog? I’d love to share this in addition to tweeting it.
Blessed with this today – Cyndi
Thank you Cyndi! I would not mind one bit! We wanted to share it to encourage others.
I love this! My husband also had to ditch his phone because the temptation pulled him in. I wanted to slug him too. 🙂 In an emergency situation I had to sell my iphone. I replaced it with an older smart phone that I use in the same way. Even now I type on it. My daughter is singing and I am not paying attention. Today my phone will be smashed too. They matter not this hunk of technologu.
Thanks for the reminder at the perfect moment.
Kim
You are welcome! Thank you for sharing!
my husband and I ditched ours 2 months ago!! One afternoon our oldest son looked at my husband and said “you never listen to me…you are always looking at your phone” and that was all it took for him. they were gone shortly after that. I won’t lie, there are moments I miss the convenience of it, but I don’t miss the mindless hours of nothing…and the moments I missed with our kids. Thanks for sharing!!
Beautiful post! I can say yes to all of the above questions 🙁 It’s definitely not something I’m proud of and know I have a problem. While we haven’t ditched our phones (yet), we had to make some ground rules together because I was getting ridiculous with it: Absolutely no phones on dates, when we’re with friends, and after 6pm (when he gets home from work). That helps us stay focused on each other and friends and stay in the moment, but I still feel anxious when I don’t have it with me (sad, right?!) It’s amazing the power a stupid phone has over me.
Thank you for being so open and inspiring! BTW – you and your family are so adorable 🙂
I have an iPhone and don’t see myself getting rid of it BUT I totally agree with this post and am getting better at not pulling the phone out, especially when I am with my kids. I have often wondered what will be the ramifications from us (as a whole) being so focused on our phones instead of our kids. The next time you go to the park look around at all the parents looking at their phone, and missing valuable time with their little kids…
I totally agree with you! I have an iphone, and honestly if I weren’t locked into a contract I would ditch the thing. I don’t even like using it. My kids can’t believe I don’t have songs on it, and rarely use the apps. After my contract is finished I’m getting a cheap phone for emergency purposes only. It is a sad thing to see couples on dates in restaurants and they seem more interested in checking their phones every couple of minutes. I really feel that social media has driven a large wedge into real communication. What ever happened to the days where we would sit on our porches or patios and have a good face to face conversation, without a phone buzzing etc. I worry that our kids won’t really know what true conversation looks like unless we take a stand ourselves and put away our gadgets!
I totally agree Melinda. Unfortunately, when we were trapped in in with our iPhone’s we didn’t notice it at all. Now, when we go out and see couples talking on their phones or playing on their apps during dinner, we just are so grateful that we came to the realization how detrimental it could be to our marriage.
I so commend both of you, and especially your husband, for investing in something infinitely more important. Truth, fidelity, honesty, each other, your children, your lives, and your marriage. What amazing dividends this will reap! Thanks for sharing.
<3 Nan
Thank you so much, Nan!
Oh wow all those questions at the at the beginning are so me and until reading this i did not see it! Thank you so much for sharing this! I needed a wake up call. This is my first smart phone and i have had it a little over a year and it can be addicting! So again thank you so much for putting this from a Childs eyes that i should have seen for myself!
You are very welcome Crystal! I was the same way when I read that article I linked to. I wasn’t even aware!
Wow, this is so me. I have two children in college, one several hours away from home. I feel like my only means of communication w/them is texting. Therefore I jump every time my phone goes off because it “might” be important. Not realizing at what cost to my 12 yr old. Thank you for the wake up call.
I really appreciate your thoughtful sentiment about being fully present. Smartphones have not done us any favors in terms of our ability to focus and pay basic attention to the people that are in our midst. In a book I’ve written “The Shared-Meal Revolution: How to Reclaim Balance and Connection in a Fragmented World through Sharing Meals with Family and Friends”, I include information I researched about technology and what it’s costing us in terms of decreased, meaningful interaction. These issues all relate to moderation and priorities and living consciously. Thanks for your blog. If you or your readers would like more information about my project, The Shared-Meal Revolution, you can find me at http://www.shared-meals.com and http://www.facebook.com/sharedmeals and twitter @sharedmeals. Have a great day!
I fear for the kids being raised with parents on iphones 24/7. I have been to restaurants where parents are totally ignoring their kids and playing and/or working on their phones. We had a 3 year old leave his parent’s table and come and talk to us because they were too busy. Makes me very sad because this precious time of their lives will be gone too quickly and they will miss it.
Totally agree Darlene! I want to treasure these moments and know that I have done the best I can!
I’m not going to give up my iPhone, but this year my one little word is present. As I work on being more present in the lives of my husband and son, I find the iPhone sitting on the counter more and more – you know, like a phone waiting to ring?! I do bring the iPhone to the playground because I cannot help myself from taking pictures & immediately sharing the photos with my mom who lives nearly 3000 miles away.
As parents, we have a responsibility to our children to be present and to engage them and with them. We can all do a better job at that, and I am working on it myself.
That is great Emily! I don’t think that the sacrifice has to be as extreme as ours. We are all different and our personalities are all different. I am an “all or nothing” type of girl. I have a hard time finding balance because of this!
Thank you for sharing your story and for being so honest. I admire you. I pretty much related to the top portion of this post, guilty of all of those and it makes me sad. I need to set up rules for myself and not use my phone around my kids. I was actually thinking about this over the weekend and then saw this post. I think it is time for change. Thank you.
Thank you so very much for sharing such a personal testimony. While I don’t own a cell phone, I find myself logging on to my laptop any and every chance I get. Your blog post has given me a much needed and long overdue wake-up call!! Blessings to you and your family! 🙂
Thank you and your husband for sharing this very personal experience. A few weeks ago we sat down as a family to eat dinner and my 19 year old took away all are phones even hers,it really makes you think of what is important.
Wow, I said yes so many times too, probably all of them if I am honest. I immidiately thought of getting out an old, non smart phone, but I unfortunately need my smart phone as an app on it keeps me in contact with everyone cheaper, including my siblings over seas. But it has been a serious serious wake up call. I also homeschool and when I have done ‘my work’ I am often on my phone while I wait for kids to do exercise etc. Or when school is done and my kids are outside playing in garden I am inside on phone checking on FB. Here in SA data costs a lot so I was thinking of only going ‘online once a day’ and not when ever I am bored. I guess it’s as bad as a sugar addiction, the only way to give it up it cold turkey. But also in all honesty, the thought of deleting the FB app has me sweating.
This is great. We got rid of our iphones for financial reasons but I had read several posts like this that motivated me as well. However, I kept mine and it works like an Ipad where there is wifi. I find that (for me) it’s a nice balance because I can still check stuff on my phone when my husband is using my computer (which he does A LOT) – still have a portable camera or video phone to take with me (the camera doesn’t use a wifi connection), and still have a portable kindle, pandora (for at the gym where there is wifi), and fertility friend app to record my temp first thing in the morning.
I only share this because I think a lot of people don’t realize that still using your iphone even after you’ve disconnected your phone number from it is even an option (I didn’t!) but it really works well – as a tablet/ipad. Allowing you SOME of those conveniences of a smart-phone but allowing you to be hands free at the park, the store, etc.
Very true! I don’t think it needs to be all or nothing for some!
Awesome post! I think there is something to learn here for everyone! How often are we with other people, children, spouses and friends and we are interacting with yet other people. It is crazy!
Wow, amazing story of you and your husband. We personally have iPhones, but we have rules such as no phones during meals. I think the main key is moderation. Anyway, great stories and a fantastic reminder!!
thank you Samantha!
I am proud to say that I have never had a phone distract me from my children! I never even had a smart phone because I know if I did have one, it WOULD distract me! My one distraction is probably my laptop, but I leave it upstairs in my room and check it only when I am already walking by to go to the bathroom. I am so happy that my kids have been my focus since they were born, I haven’t missed a thing or hurt anyones feelings!
Thank you for sharing this! All of the reasons you posted are exactly why I never want a smart phone. I received a Kindle Fire for Christmas and that is a big temptation for me. I’ve got a tracphone that I’ve had for years. It sends/receives calls and texts and that is it! Not even a camera. It cost less than $10 to buy and I spend maybe $10 a month on minutes. I am always glad to hear of another mom who is not using a smart phone. I don’t feel so strange 🙂
omg… i have the same prob with the hubby… although he didnt ditch the iphone yet. im hoping after reading this post he will.
Thanks. I have been down so long after finding out the naked girls chatting thing that my hubby has been tempted to do.
Also i got back to reading books which i forgotten how much i love after literally went crazy over candy crush and all those games apps on smart phones.
It’s actually a nice and helpful piece of info.
I am happy that you shared this helpful info with us.
Please keep us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.
I read this and cried. I am a 25 year old female who was divorced after three years because my ex husband in the end chose porn over our marriage. It is so amazing that your husband decided to stop using an iPhone to avoid temptation! He sounds like an incredible man! I was just so impressed that he did that for you (and him). When couples are truly in love and care about each other it melts my heart.