It’s been almost four years since I lost my younger sister, Dinah. She passed away at the age of 27…much too young to leave this beautiful earth.
My sister felt this world was unbearable.
It collapsed on her.
She couldn’t breath. She couldn’t live.
If you don’t know what that feels like, then count your lucky stars. Many have been to that point. Few admit it. Some go through with it like my sister.
I don’t blame her anymore. I’m not mad at her for choosing to leave me, our family, the life that she had. I can’t say that I understand it. I guess I’ve just accepted it.
In a few days I’ll celebrate her 30th birthday. I might even make her a cake and let 30 balloons into the air. I’ll watch them as they float up and above. I’ll watch them as they move over the mountains and disappear into the sky. And as I squint to see how far they made it, I’ll thank God for the 27 years that I shared with my sister.
I’ve not only lost my sister, but I have been through a miscarriage, and I just recently lost my sister-in-law to breast cancer. Unfortunately, I know grief.
I know it’s hard to love someone who is grieving. You don’t what they want…what they need…their actions may confuse you. You’re scared to say something wrong and scared to say nothing at all.
It can be different for everyone, but, overall, I think humanity is very similar. We have basic needs and when someone that we love dies, we all need similar things.
Things You Can Do For Someone Who is Grieving:
1. Send Them a Hand Written Card
I still have every card that was sent me after my sister died. We tend to minimize things like this, but to the receiver it could mean so much. To know that someone is thinking about them and praying about them…well, it could get them through that moment, that hour, that day.
2. Bring them a Healthy Meal
A nutritious meal is so important when you are going through depression and loss. Your body is being abandoned, it’s an emotional mess, and the hormones are raging. A healthy meal can bring the spirits up and warm the soul. I love this free website Take Them a Meal. You can coordinate meals for someone and other people can sign up to bring meals too.
3. Clean Their House or Hire a Maid
Picking up the house and keeping things organized is not important to the person who has lost someone. Just washing a sink-ful of dishes could feel like an enormous task. If they have kids, laundry, and other household chores, then keeping a clean environment might be nearly impossible. Go over and help them or hire a maid to come for a few weeks or months.
4. Understand Their Perspective
When someone close passes away, it can, literally, change the way the world looks through their eyes. Understand this and empathize with it. Everything in life now compares to what they are going through. Be careful what you say and/or complain about around them. Everything seems incomparable to their circumstance.
5. Be There for Them (if needed)
But don’t be overbearing. Understand if they need space. Sometimes they want to talk about so-and-so’s life. Ask them about it. As someone who is grieving, their greatest fear may be the fainting memory of that person. Talk about their life and let them cry, laugh, scream in anger…whatever they need to do.
6. Be Selfless
My husband is a perfect testimony of this. He poured out his life for me during this dark season of my life. Not only was I grieving the loss of my sister, but I was a (2nd time) new mom. I had a newborn, a 2 year old, and I was overwhelmed. Life came crashing down on me and without my husband I am not sure how I would have survived. He cleaned, cooked, took care of the kids, took care of my family, and was a shoulder I cried on daily. He never did anything for himself. He was always there and I knew I could rely on his strength to pull me through.
7. Listen
Don’t offer advice. Don’t offer promises. Just sit there, grab their hand, and listen. Look them eyes. Don’t be afraid of their grief. Listen and love them.
8. Go Ahead and Invite Them
Don’t assume that they don’t want to be a part of anything going on or planned. Let them decide if they are up for a crowd or a party. Don’t leave them out…but don’t get hurt if they say no. I remember a few times I wish I would have been invited. I might not have gone, but the gesture to invite me would have made my day. It would have let me know that people are thinking about me.
9. Be Yourself
Don’t change yourself for your friend or loved one who is grieving. If you used to make them laugh till their peed themselves, then keep it up. If you used to be physical with them and give them lots of hugs…don’t stop. Be yourself around your friend…that is who they love!
Remember that grief has no timetable. It may take someone a month to get through the worst of it, but then it could take another person a year. Be sensitive to that.
If you want to offer more support, here are a few resources that I love:
- Pruned: Blossoming Through Life’s Difficult Seasons (where to buy)
- Rebuild From Depression: A Nutrient Guide (where to buy)
- Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss (where to buy)
Continue to be strong and hold on to your faith. I am sorry for the loss of your sister and sister n law as well as your own special loss. You are an inspriration to me and others! Most of all….keep writing!
I’m sorry for your loss but thankful that you’ve shared your wisdom. I think this will help a lot of people (myself included).
I lost my sister 4 years ago by her own choice. She was my baby sister and she was only 34 years old. Due to her being 6 years younger than I and me being the oldest it often feels like I lost my sister, best friend and daughter all in one. I miss her so badly and just a couple days ago spent the whole day in bed crying because I wanted to call her. I still send her e-mails sometimes at night when I can’t sleep. I try not to be “mad” at her but sometimes the burden of caring for our elderly Mom by myself and staying connected to her young son is so overwhelming I can’t help to feel like she left me to deal with everything on my own. I am also no stranger to grief or suicide but this is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Thanks for just acknowledging that grief is soooo very real.
Oh Debra. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know your pain. Hugs for you…prayers to get through this…and sending love to find joy in each new day.
Thank you for this post. My brother in law just lost his brother due to suicide. I am a few hours away, and this has helped me know how to bless him during this hard time. Thank you again.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers to you!
Oh gosh, my heart goes out to everyone who has lost a sister. It’s a sorrow I know too well myself.
I think one of the things that made it more difficult for me to recover was the fact that I felt so abandoned by the people around me. Not my husband, he was my rock. But my social circle, the people I hang out with, vacation with, BBQ with, babysit for, never came around. They did come to her funeral, and promised to call soon, but then never did. It really hurt me!
Now, my very best friend (of 42 years!) called me every day for a month, and then went to every other day for a while, and then twice a week, and so on. There were some days I was too tired to talk, so she’d just pass on a message saying she loved me, and then call back the next night to see if I was up for a talk. Knowing she took time from her busy life as a full-time-working-mom every day meant so much to me and really helped me with the let-down I had with the other people in my life.
Let’s all remember to just keep being there for our friends. They may turn you down for a lunch date, or your offers to do laundry, or bring dinner, but just keep checking on her. Because to hear nothing beyond the funeral is extremely hurtful.
BTW- I’ve spoken to many of those people and shared with them how abandonded I felt. It made some of them cry, expressing that they didn’t want to bother me. But mostly all of them said the same thing: “I simply didn’t know how to be there for you. I’m not very good with death.” To which I would reply, “Neither am I, and that’s why I needed you.” And then we’d all cry together!
Okay, well, I’m out of here because I am starting to sound like a cheesy Lifetime movie! Just remember your friends!! 🙂
I just happened upon your website and I really like this entry….I lost my 15 year old brother November 2012, he was in a 4 wheeling accident. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and I don’t know either how I would have made it without my husband. I am continuing to be there for my mother the best way I know how. She struggles daily but being there for her and like you said inviting them to places does help. I know she may not come but I can try.
Thanks for the post,
Thank you for stoping by Amanda! I’m so sorry for your loss! ((Hugs))
Hello,
My family has experienced a lot of death in our lives. Some family but mostly friends. You see my sister was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 13. The family’s we got to know during that time we amazing people, but a lot of losses we ended up experiencing.
My sister now 28 is getting married in April, my sister fiancĂ© lost his grandfather 2 days ago. His funeral will be held on the day of my sister’s wedding. His death is heart breaking but having his funeral on her wedding day is 10 times harder for her. This is suppose to be such a special day for her, but she feels guilty and feels she is being selfish and not at all excited or happy for her wedding day. My sister is marring a Hmong man so his funeral day is decided by the elders of the Hmong community. How do I help her? Her wedding will be always a sorrow time not a happy time
I lost my sister 2 years ago, she was 11 years older than me and was almost in a lot of ways like a second mom to me. I agree with everything that you said..when my sister died, my daughter was 6 months old and I was a single mom. This was so tough, but thank goodness, I had friends who were there for me 100%. I am definitely going to share this article. It definitely hits close to home. Thank you so much!
I’m so sorry for your loss Kayleigh.
Thank you for posting this. I lost my sister actually 16 months ago today to aplastic anemia she was 27 too. I remember on the year anniversary that I confessed to a friend of mine, that my biggest fear was that my friends would not remember her or say anything to me about it. It pretty much came true and i was as heart broken. I hope people who are in my friends position read this so they can be there for those who are and will grieve.
I’m so sorry for your loss (((hugs)))
I’m so sorry for you loss Ashley…((hugs)) and prayers!
I read your post and been wanting to write you.. Your page’s been open on my tab for days now. I loss my dear father October last year.. I wish i know the right words to say to make you feel better. But i know there are none. I just wanna give you a hug. I love your post btw.
I’m so sorry for your loss Izzy. Sending you a big virtual hug!
I lost my Mom and Dad last year, within six months of each other. They were both sudden and unexpected.Their loss challenged me in ways I never imagined, and still challenges me today. It has been through the support of my husband, some truly remarkable friends and my faith that I move through this journey. This past January I was blessed to meet a wonderful person who introduced me to the benefit of essential oils and that has helped me with my lingering sadness, anxiety and stress. I now help to lead a Grief Share group at my church to try to give to others what the program gave to me. Thank you for being so open and honest about your experience and emotions. You are such a blessing!
Thank you so much for your response. Grief is a journey, and we need each other to get through it.
Thank you so much for this. As a mom who lost her 22 year old daughter unexpectedly 4 years ago, I can confirm that these ways to love someone who is grieving are excellent. Grief is never a comfortable topic for anyone, but until you go through it yourself you never quite understand a grieving person’s need to talk to people about their loss. We spent two agonizing days in the hospital with our daughter Ashley in a coma, with no encouragement from the doctors that she would survive. During that time at the hospital some special church friends of ours brought a cooler of sandwiches, chips, and drinks for all of us that were keeping vigil. Not that many of us felt like eating, but just the concern for us and practical way of expressing that concern touched me deeply.
My baby sister took her own life in August, she would have been 36 in September, just 11 months younger than me. She is the one that turned me on to essential oils, aromatherapy, and holistic health. I miss her everyday. Thank you for this post.
I feel for you. Thanks for your reply. Your sister, and mine, is gone but never forgotten.
My husband’s eldest daughter took her own life last week at the young age of 33. I’ve been heartbroken watching him and our children, her half siblings, grieve. The most disappointing thing is that no one other than my parents have came to offer sympathy and brought us some food. Thank you for the article, it will help me take care of them the way they need and deserve.
Sorry for your losses!!! I know God is with you! You are truly a blessing especially through your gift of writing. I have a friend that lost her husband (which was also our friend) almost 1 year ago and it’s been so hard to continue loving her because she pushes everyone away. I just pray for her now and reach it to her every once in a while. Reading your blog help me understand how to be there for her. Be blessed, one day at a time!