Before I lost my sister a year ago, I had no idea what to say to someone who was grieving the loss of a loved one. Honestly, I was clueless. I avoided them because I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. No one near me had ever died. My grandparents all died before I was old to enough to remember. I lived a perfect, happy life; free of death and mourning; free of anger or questions for God.
Then September 23, 2011 happened. The darkness that surrounded my family was enormous. Our house sounded like something off a horror movie. Random sounds of weeping, fists banging on walls in anger, and screams from the nightmare that we endured was something that I will never forget. I can’t describe the deep, dark pit that we were in for several weeks.
Confusion.
Self-pity.
Hate.
Where are you, God?
The emotions emerge as I write this.
It’s hard to be around someone who is grieving. You wouldn’t want their sad world to cloud your happy world, right?
“It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.” – Ecclesiastes 7:2
How can we help? What can we say?
Here’s a list I put together that may help you if you encounter someone who lost of a friend or loved one. These are things you should NEVER say:
1. “Everything happens for a reason.”
This is my favorite one that I just want to sock ’em in the eye for. I mean, really? My sister died for a reason? What reason was that? Oh, it won’t be revealed yet? Blah. My sister’s life LIVING could happen for a reason. She was only 27 when she died, she could have done so much more…FOR A REASON!
Please don’t ever say this to someone. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t comfort. It only pisses ’em off.
2. “God has everything under control.”
You may or may not believe in God. I do; so when people said this to me, I wanted to look at them and say,
“Really? How is THIS under control? Come to my house at night and tell me if it sounds like everything is under control!”
3. “_________ is in a much better place.”
Are you God? Do you stand at judgement with the Book of Life and know where our souls are going? What if I don’t even believe in heaven? How does that comfort my aching soul?
What if ___________ didn’t even believe in Jesus Christ? You don’t know the destination of ANYONE’S soul.
Just avoid this all-together. It may make YOU feel better to think that __________ is in heaven, but it may not do anything for the grieving person. So keep it to yourself.
4. I know what you are going through.
Really? NO YOU DON’T. Who do you know that took their own life? What’s that you say? Your grandma died a year ago? Ummm, she lived a full life…you cannot compare that.
Truth is, even if you have been there, don’t say this. You, truly, don’t know what someone is going through; only they do. Saying this can evoke many angry emotions to the grieving person.
5. You’re a strong person. I know you will get through this.
I don’t want to be strong. I am NOT strong.
Don’t pressure someone to live up to this. In the despair and grief of losing someone so dear, you don’t want to be strong. You want to cry, weep, scream, and do all the things that people classify as weak. Let them do this. Let them grieve in whatever way they need to. Don’t pressure them to be anything that they don’t want to be.
6. It’s been a year. You really need to move on.
Don’t you think we know life has to move on? That’s THE MAIN thing we are grieving about. Life is moving on without my sister. She is stuck at 27 years old for the rest of MY life. I’ll never raise my kids with her kids. I’ll never grow old with her and see how her face wrinkles. We know this!
Just don’t say that. It hurts enough already knowing life is moving on without ________.
7. God is going to be glorified in all this.
How about if I slap you upside the head? Is God glorified in that too?
Usually when people say this they are referring to the death of the person. They say that ______ death is going to touch many people in the same circumstance.
Couldn’t their LIFE do the same thing? Couldn’t them being ALIVE touch many people? Please refrain from saying this, even if you really do believe it.
All these things evoke a response of anger, confusion, questions for the grieving person. Take it from me, it doesn’t absolutely no good to say any of these 7 things to someone who lost a friend or loved one.
There are much better things to say. Let me help you out:
1. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.
2. Words fall short but I’m here.
3. ________’s life was beautiful.
4. My deepest thoughts and prayers are with you.
5. I brought you a hot meal.
6. I’m here for you. Call me ANYTIME.
7. I’m here for you. Even if it’s to just sit next to you at your house so you’re not alone.
8. Tell me about ________’s life.
9. How are you doing? No, REALLY, how are you doing?
10. I brought you some groceries.
The grieving person is still a person. They don’t have cooties or a scarlet letter. They are you…they are me…they are one of us. They don’t want you to avoid talking about it. They don’t want you to think it’s a sore subject.
When someone would ask me, “How are you?…no really, how are you?” I knew they really cared. And sometimes it opened up a can of worms depending on how my emotions were on that day. Sometimes, I talked about Dinah. I shared stories from our past. I relived moments we shared together in time.
Moments like these bring healing.
Dude… great words. No, really. Great. Words.
Thank you Julie! I hope it helps someone!
I appreciate this so much. I lost my best friend to suicide last year. Everything you said rang true to me. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so sorry for your loss too Gail. Thank you for reading and I’m sure you have many memories of your best friend that you can cherish for this lifetime!
Jackie ~ I love what you wrote about grieving! Many people will benefit from your suggestions. You are right many people just don’t know what to say, especially if they have never been down that path. Great words to those who would love to reach out to their friends and family in their time of grieving but just didn’t know what to say or not to say!
Thank you Sylvia! You were amazing after my sister’s death! Thank you for caring for my family.
What a great post about grieving. Thank you for pointing out what I shouldn’t say and suggesting alternatives.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say…
Thank you and you’re welcome! Thank you for reading!
I do not know how you feel.. I do know what it is to have people say stupid things… My healthy, normal, happy little brother left me over 45 years ago and in his place I have a wonderful, happy, disabled brother. And for all of these years I have had people say the MOST stupid INANE things about “the accident” that I have ever heard. Speak the truth Girl, more people need to hear it! Love sent across the way to all of you. Tamera
Thank you Tamera! I’m so sorry about your brother. People really just don’t know how to deal with death sometimes. I hope this helps some people choose wiser words!
My favorite DO SAY is number 8. I know (from experience) how important it is to talk about the person who’s life is missed. I also know how good it feels to be on either end of that question. Hearing from someone about their loved one’s life is a beautiful thing. And talking about it is absolutely healing, even if just a tiny bit each time.
This is a very needed post, Jackie. Thank you for doing it!
Thank you Hannah!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I train paramedics, and one of my most sincere hopes is that they complete training with a deep respect and sense of compassion for others’ pain. If you don’t mind, I’d like to use this post as part of my training.
I wouldn’t mind at all! THank you for reading my blog!
I must need to be reminded because I saw this today. when my moms man friend died many years ago ( he had been removed from his home and taken to the hospital to die,I watched him take his last breath of life. When my mom came back from a much needed nap and was confronted with his death I said a stupid thing. “It’s OK mom you are strong” or something similar. She came unglued on me, I was hurt, but I learned my lesson the hard way that day. I have now found that is it hard to say anything to someone elses grief so I just say” I am so so sorry for your loss.”
I know it can be confusing when we are trying to choose the right words. Trust me, I’ve been there too. Before my sister’s death I had no idea what to say. Now, I make a point to see the person, just to give them a hug and let them know I am here if they need anything.
I totally relate to the screaming and pounding the walls. Thanks for the good word about what grieving people need. I am still in need of companionship and the 5th anniversary of my loss is coming up here in late December.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. THank you for sharing with me and reading my blog. I pray that God sends you someone special…not to fill that hole…because I know that hole was only meant for one person…but to share life and love together. Many blessings!
I’ve been a grieving person many times in the past 18 months, and while I agree that it’s difficult to hear some of the things that people say, I think it’s important to remember (even in your grief), that if someone tells you that you are strong, they have faith in your strength and are more than likely trying to build you and lift you up. If someone says that they know what you are going through, perhaps one of their siblings committed suicide, or perhaps they are speaking to your loss and not the suicide. Again, they are trying to relate and make you feel better.
We are all human, and while we may not all have eloquent words during disaster, the people who are speaking to your life after tragedy are all coming from a good place. It’s important, even when you are hurting, to remember that.
That may be your perspective and I appreciate you chiming in, however, it was much different for me. I didn’t react well to either of those things you mentioned and I have heard too many other grieving people say the same thing. Eloquent words are not needed…simple words, as I mentioned in the post are best. Trying to relate does nothing…because you can’t. You are not me…you don’t have the same feelings or thoughts that I do. Better to keep it simple than to say something that might offend.
Well responded to, from loss a wisdom is grown and yours is uplifting to read and much needed in our society. Thanks !
Very Powerful. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this. I needed it. Tonight I go to an friend’s house to take her a warm meal and just to sit and pray with her. She is elderly lady who buried her daughter last Thanksgiving and her only son this past week. He was her rock and was, according to everyone that knew him, the perfect man, son, husband and father. There’s just no words. 🙁
Oh wow, I am so sorry for you loss. Reading this brings back a flood of memories for me. I was 25 when my husband (of 3 weeks) OD on his prescription meds. He passed away Aug. 10, 2001. Grief is strange, it’s always the big elephant in the room. Hang in there. Feel free to message me. 🙂
I wrote a similar blog post after I lost a baby.
https://diaryofamom.tjandpals.com/2012/01/19/pregnancy-loss-infant-loss/
My cousin and best friend lost her husband to suicide 9 mths ago. I have seen it destroy her and her children and I have seen their strength to get thru this. I don’t have words, I don’t know how she feels. I don’t know what to do. I worry everyday because she is grieving in unhealthy ways. All can say is I love you. I am here. You tell me what you need from me. Your post is truthful and honest and describes what I think she feels. Thank you for sharing in your time of sorrow. All I can say to you, her and the other people in this situaton… I pray God hold you up as you take it one day, one step at a time.
Everything on the “do not say” list was said to me (and still often is) after my Dad died suddenly/unexpectedly at age 50 just a few years ago. I had a friend at work who lost her sister at age 26 or 27, she came into my classroom (I’m a teacher) before school and asked how I was doing (since it was my first day back to work since my life drastically changed). I said I was ok trying to make it through the day and focus on work. She looked me in the eyes and said “its ok to be pissed off”. I just started balling. Everyone else kept telling me he’s in a better place, you’re being so strong for your family, he’s with God now, etc…. And her simple statement was (and still is) what really started pulling me through the grieving process. Thanks for sharing your story here.
Thanks for this post, I’m still in hell after five months since my dad took his life. It does not feel real and I wish I could bring him back, I feel like there’s something I can do but I know I can’t. There is no fix to this situation and I’m just utterly sad. I am so sorry for your loss, grief is always terrible but suicide is especially excruciating.
Thank you for your very real response. I know how you feel, but I just want to encourage you that although you cannot “fix” the situation and bring back your loved one, you can find relief from your grief by taking steps to move forward with your own life. You will never forget the grief, but you will be able to remember your father in the happy times, and step out of the paralyzing grief.