We hide them behind clothes and I’m fines and thick makeup.
We hide them by biting our lips and looking the other way.
By trying forget about them and pushing them deep down.
Deep inside the pit that we don’t let anyone down in.
We hide and cry and ask why we were given these ugly scars.
But in the dark of the night we run our fingers over them.
We remember the pain,
the hurt,
the anguish that those scars bring us.
We let those scars consume us and bring us even deeper into the night.
We think things we shouldn’t because of those scars,
We do things we shouldn’t because of those scars.
They consume us.
They make us believe that we will never heal.
They make us believe no one will ever understand.
The pain.
The agony
The story deep inside those scars.
I look at my deep, deep scar.
How could I ever look at this hideous piece of flesh that used to be whole?
How could anyone ever see me as whole again?
How could I forget how ugly this world is?
How could I forget that my best friend saw the ugliness of this world and it consumed her?
That she took a revolver to end her pain?
How could I forget that my life was ripped in shreds?
Scattered and broken and left open.
I look at my scars and they don’t tell me that I’m hurt anymore.
I’m not sure when I saw the change take place.
I’m not sure when the scars became beautiful to me.
I’m not sure when it was that I started to look at them and smile.
My scars don’t tell me that something hurt me.
They tell me that something healed me.
That God heals.
Others look at my scars and they don’t see the grotesque and raw story behind them.
They see hope.
They see a truth behind them.
My scars are my lighthouse.
The treasure that my scars hold is beyond me.
I’m just another tired, exhausted, messed up woman who wears them and has chosen to not hide them anymore.
I lost myself in the darkness somehow.
But chose to not stay there.
I chose to find the treasure in my scars.
This gave me goosebumps. Beautiful and well-written. And so true. God is so good.
Jackie – Over the past 7 months, I have read many posts on both this blog and on FB and here is what immediately comes to my mind: strong, compassionate, passionate, caring, smart, earth mama, dedicated…I could go on! I don’t know you, but get a glimpse of you in your writings and I can see the pain in your past. But I also see that strength in you and the love you have for your family, for nature and for God! Thank you for sharing that with all of us!
I lost my Mom & Dad last year, 5 months apart and both out of nowhere. I can’t begin to describe the pain, disbelief, heartache, anger and all the other emotions that I and my family went through – and still go through today. It ripped at the very fabric of my family and we are still trying to make sense of it and stitch those pieces back together. I couldn’t see any way that working through this would end in anything but pain and sadness. Yet over the past year I have learned that God can take these messes in our life and turn them into something we could have never imagined for ourselves. I asked Him over and over why, what does this all mean, what was I meant to learn from this huge loss. I attended a GriefShare program at my church, and after a bit I began to maybe understand what I was feeling. I prayed a lot and felt like I was being called to share what I had learned with others going through the same thing. And now I help to coordinate and facilitate that program for our church family and the community. It has and continues to be hard at times – but He sees us through it.
God Bless you Jackie – and I hope you will continue to share your writings and feelings with us!
Thank you so much for your reply. Only someone who has experienced the ravages of deep grief can understand how it affects a person. It is so encouraging to hear that you are dedicating your time to helping others go through some of the same things you have gone through. One of the best steps to recovery from grief is “paying it forward”…helping others who desperately need some encouragement.
Thanks for sharing. I am trying to come to terms with the loss of my daughter.
Scars tell the story of our life. Check out Hannah Wilke’s fabulous piece, “Scars”.
Peace and Love,
Teresa
http://www.angelicsoap.com
Beautiful! Inspiring and very reflective. Thank you for posting this. It reminds me that God heals and gives a fresh perspective. God bless!