You Make Beautiful Things Out of Us

Hopeless.

Depressed.

Filled with guilt.

Bad mother.

Bad sister.

Incapable.

Alone.

Ugly.

Fat.

Me.

All this pain. I wonder if I’ll ever find my way. I wonder if my life could really change at all.

These were just a few things that described my life. The guilt that I carried was heavy. Guilt for letting my sister go to her apartment alone. Guilt for not wanting to get off the couch to play with my kids. Guilt for being so selfish with my grief. Guilt for not wanting to let myself feel loved by my husband.

Guilt. It weighed me down and it tore me apart and it crushed me. Crushed. Bruised.

Fat. Ugly. Typical mother who let herself go. Nothing special. Nothing beautiful. Nothing worth caring about.

ME

Incapable. Weak. Unqualified. “Jackie, you can’t do anything right. You weren’t even there for her. You let her go. This is your fault.”

You’re not worth it. You’re not worth anything.

Could all that is lost ever be found? Could a garden come up from this ground at all? 

Change. Joy. Life. I starved for it. I was so dry and hungry and desperate and I wanted it so bad.

I was so empty. So dusty.

All around, hope is springing up from this old ground. Out of chaos life is being found in You.

Who is this person? Did I just smile? Did I just laugh? Am I kissing my husband again with passion? Do I really have passion? What is going on?

I’m changing.

I’m evolving.

I’m….becoming.

Happy.

I’m happy. I’m becoming happy.

Beautiful….I’m beautiful.

You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things out of us. 

I’m not hopeless. I’m promising.

I’m not depressed anymore. I’m happy.

I’m NOT guilty.

I may not be perfect, but I am exactly what my children need. I am a great mother.

I loved my sister and she loved me and we will see each other again one day. I was the best sister to her.

I’m able. I am able to be and do what I so passionately love to do. I am able.

I am beautiful.

You make me new. You are making me new. 

You make beautiful things out of the dust. You take a dusty woman like me and you make it beautiful.

My life has changed so much. I am so incredibly happy and blessed and grateful that I have been made beautiful. I am so grateful that I tattooed it on my body….