She’s gone. But she’s everywhere.
I can still smell her. I still hear her laugh, see her gestures; the way she used to play with her hair. Everything about her is still so close, within reach.
Sometimes I can almost hear her talking to me. I close my eyes and can feel her around me and indwelling me.
I try to remember the shape of her hands. Hands that I looked at my whole life. Hands that held me when I needed a hug. Hands that fought for me when no one else would. Hands that wrote beautiful stories and quirky poems. Her hands touched many lives and she probably didn’t even realize it. When 500 people showed up at her wake and memorial, I was reminded that it was impossible not to love Dinah.
I miss her. I miss everything about her. Even her imperfections were beautiful. She loved voraciously.
She was spirited.
She was creative.
She was luminous.
She was Dinah.
Her memory is haunting in a really good way. I miss her so much it really hurts. I try to put her memories in a box or pocket somewhere so I can get some work done and live life! 🙂 I can’t think of her without laughing and crying at the same time. She was just too, too, too special. I am continuing to pray for you guys.
Yes! Laugh and cry at the same time. Crazy she can still make me do that, even though she is gone.
Thank you for sharing with us something so very private. Thank you for loving her so much that you’ve kept her memory alive. She left this life on her own terms, and regardless of how me may feel about suicide, eventual to come to a peace and understanding, you half to accept their actions. And although very painful for you – the decision to commit suicide is just as painful for the person that is contemplating it. For the survivors it is devastatingly hard to deal with, to accept, mostly. The guilt is…..is that you may feel your love wasn’t enough….., the insecurity of thinking, or believing maybe she didn’t care enough, or love me enough. I think not. I think their love for us is a whole separate subject. May your sister rest into eternity. You’re a warrior and have come a very long and arduous way. GOD bless you too.
Thank you Monica…thank you so much for your kind words!